I was thinking about why I have this set of regular setbacks when I excel at something, and why my dating life sucks, despite having great success at times. I journaled about it for a long time. Sifting through my conscious and subconscious mind.

Then I did an exercise where it takes you back to the exact moment when you decided to feel this way. I was 14 years old, In a tiny room. Our family had escaped the war, and moved to a new country. I went one night from being a much loved and somewhat popular kid, to something of a social pariah in my school. I was told everyday, in one way or another, that I was not wanted, that I didn’t belong. I was considered highly intelligent in our native country, so much so that the neighborhood kids would come to our house and sheepishly ask me to build something for their science project.

Then, in the new place I would be called stupid. Not just dumb. But dumb pronounced in utter anger and disgust, where the person makes an ugly face and shouts out the latter part in visible anger, just to convey the disgust that may have evaded your attention.

It was amazing how our body remembers. I had forgotten about that old room, with old wallpapers and a small sliding door, where you had to bend your head to enter. But my psyche didn’t.

That hurt haunts us forever, subconsciously. A woman may be fighting with her partner, arguing. But deep down it may be her feelings of being unloved, that she is afraid of losing him, even though that thought may never actually crossed his mind.

We are all hurt. Life is not easy, it leaves bruises. It depends on how easily we heal ourselves. Some heal instantly (through loving parents, grandparents, teachers and environment) others need therapy or alcohol to cope. 

I find that trauma is the hardest and the easiest to heal from. Hardest because it is almost impossible to notice you have it by yourself. It is like a pickpocket in the crowd. Easiest because once you become aware of it, then you know you are being robbed, and that awareness is all you need. The whole process unravels itself, like a lie. 

It has been so many years, but that story still lives in me. I remember when I was in Ukraine, this really beautiful young woman really liked me in a cafe. She was with two friends, but could not keep her eyes off me. But I didn’t go and talk to her, even though I am great at starting conversations. It stayed with me for the last two years. But now, it is no wonder. I felt Unloved. I felt that I had no value. But we all do. No Baby feels a lack of confidence, or a lack of value. It is because we are all loveable. We all have value.

I was told that I had no value for so many years that I became unloved. And even though I did great at school, it was still not the best I could do, because I lacked self confidence. How can we attract a partner, or success if we feel, deeply, down to our core, that we are not worthy of love, or success? How can we taste greatness if we feel, deep down in our bones, that we always fail no matter what?

So, healing is a must. Letting go is a must. No matter how long it will take, or how hard it may be, or how unsure and vague the path may be or look. It is as hard as learning to walk again. And it can be done.

Just like smoking, or heavy drinking, or obesity, we too have to overcome these traumas and inherent, hidden negativities crystalized and cemented deep into our psyche/consciousness. This is simply so because these beliefs keep us down in a circle, at the level we are at. In order to get to the next level, in anything, really, we must become aware, and transform these deeply held negative core beliefs.1 You might want love, a great loving and kind partner. But if you feel unloved, even subconsciously, this is very unlikely to happen. Same with success, losing weight, or making a million dollars. That’s how important this deep level of work is.

There is a story about the Mystic Gurdjieff, when he was in school. He saw a young boy standing in a circle drawn around him by some bullies, and was told and shouted at that he could not leave the circle no matter how hard he tried, and repeated and affirmed by the bullies. So the boy stood there crying and screaming, terrified and tormented, yet unable to step out of the circle and leave. Only after Gurdjieff had wiped off the chalk circle and erased part of it that the boy was able to step out of it and run away in terror.

So it is with our deep seated traumas and hidden experiences that shape us. We are unable to escape them, no matter how hard we try. This is because they mesmerize us, and put us in a hypnotic state, day after day. These create a gravity that pulls our lives in their direction, silently, and continuously.

It is not our fault. At the time, we didn’t know how to deal with the situation. But now, years later, we are able to solve these problems, even if in our subconscious mind, thereby releasing the little child inside each of us.

Then we find out that indeed, we are all loveable, brilliant, and worthy of success. Nay, it is our duty to succeed, it is our inheritance as children of God, of the Universe!

Similar things happened this week. I realized that I had barriers to success, holding me back from long term success and fulfillment. After all, if pursuing success always led me to failure and hurt, why would I seek that eventual humiliation and pain at the end, the inevitable? This is like a person going from one fad diet to another, ultimately failing miserably, and deciding that it is impossible for him or her to lose weight. But there is a right way and wrong way of doing things. And failure itself does not have to be an end all to our journey at hand.

We have to let go of our hurt. We have to break free. It is possible for us to become a new person. With all the characteristics that we seek. And to have a happy ending to our movie, to our life.

Otherwise we would be haunted by our hurt forever, into eternity even. There was a young co-worker who once told me that he wanted to end his life. I told him to get therapy instead. Because he could not escape his pain unless he transformed it. Even if he went ahead with it, I told him, he would still suffer and become a ghost, roaming the earth and carrying his trauma with him, even when dead. This is how serious this kind of work is.

We have to play with the cards we are dealt with in this life. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just the way it is. And running away from it would only prolong our suffering. Instead, we must transform it.

There is a wonderful reason to pursue this deep work of healing. The bible says that if we pay part of our debt, God pays and forgives the rest. This is very true.

No matter how much pain we may feel, once we are healed, there is a vacuum the hurt leaves behind, like a bad tenant after eviction. And instead, joy and happiness will fill that vacuum. And then, we can share this new found joy and happiness with others. This is the true meaning of repentance.2 The cup runneth over, and we can have 10 times as much joy and happiness when we share our experience with others, because we never really transform just ourselves, but by doing so transform others as well, and the world really.3 This is called the Completing work. And it is tastier than candy, but does not rot the teeth.

The hardest part, by far, is not to stop there, but to continue. To find, and to dig out that cesspool in our subconscious mind. To dig it out, and to build a new one. One that flows freely, where there is goldfish swimming in it day and night, because of how clean it is. One that whispers in our ears : “You are the one. The universe depends on you to complete it”.

1Jim Marion makes a note of this in his wonderful book “Putting on the Mind of Christ” at page 92. He however fails to give practical steps to proceed with clearing these negativities, and the advice given I find to be somewhat vague and impractical for most readers. I hope to converse with him if he ever decides to write a newer version of the book with some practical insights as a reader.

2 Repentance here simply means acknowledging our wrong or past mistakes and not doing it again. It is not a moral issue. I bring this up because it is easy for our ego to keep us in self pity, like the movie character sitting in a dark place drinking and reminiscing his past wrongs. This is self indulgence. I was down for about a day, then walking in the park I realized that starting new would be the best choice, instead of lingering on the past, which would eventually bring nothing. So there is a danger of being mesmerized by the darkness of what we have lost, or what we have done up to this point in our lives.

3 This refers to intergenerational trauma. Pain and hurt that is not dealt with and healed is usually transmitted to and perpetuated by the next generation. Virtually all abusive parents have had abusive parents themselves. And further, this pain may collectively represent a group of people, such as is the case currently with Gaza and the pain and horror currently inflicted on people of Gaza by Jewish majority Israel, where starvation is used to kill people, even babies. A dear jewish friend of mine who is from Israel recently told me that Israelis need to face and heal their trauma from the past generations, in order to bring peace to their country. She states that the current violence is to a large degree a manifestation of the hurt and trauma that the jewish people experienced and had to endure in the last century. She is currently bringing out families from Gaza, at a large expense, and relocating them to other Arab countries, with the help and financial backing of jewish, Muslim and Christian donors alike. She is a true person of courage and love.